I hear you! Hardware fragmentation is a serious issue, very difficult to deal with as a small team, so I can’t hold it against them, but I really wish I had been able to put it on my old Note 9 instead of buying a Pixel 😑 (doesn’t have to be a Pixel, there are other supported devices, but it’s easiest and works best)

Have you tried CalyxOS (https://calyxos.org/)? Review from a year ago seems pretty good (fair warning: Reddit link). I’m keeping Calyx in my back pocket in case Graphene goes tits up.

Yes, I’ve used all my apps pretty seamlessly. I had to turn on “exploit protection compatibility mode” for some of them like banking, but they work fine. You can get Google Play, and it runs in a sandbox, but I use Obtainium and Aurora Store (Aurora in particular would be of interest to you, it’s just a frontend for the Google Play store which allows anonymous connections: https://f-droid.org/packages/com.aurora.store/). I moved to Aegis for my 2FA because I was looking for a way out of the Twilio/Authy ecosystem. I don’t play games on my phone, so I can’t report back on how those work.

Anything compatible with Graphene OS (https://grapheneos.org/); a second-hand Pixel will work best, if you can find one cheap. I use it as my daily driver on a Pixel 7a and it’s great; it’s the most stable and easiest-to-install custom ROM I’ve ever used, and I’ve been rooting my Android devices for over a decade now.

I think you’re on to something, raging badgerfuck does sound like it’d be on the list of marriage-enders.